Yeah. I am having one of those days, when you just need a sheet of paper (or a blank space on your computer screen) and you write your heart out, because you're a woman.

Not that any of you guys know what I'm talking about, but I believe in your kindness in understanding of the situation.

So yeah. Fuck it. The day of "one day a month" depression happened to be today, came with doubled power this time. So all my recent thoughts are gonna come out. Juuuust here. Riiiight now. Just wait for it.

O.K. here we go.
About a year ago I fell in love. The feeling was quite a weak one for about...meh, maybe 2 years? 1,5? Who counts the time these days anyway? No. I don't know what love is. Can't define it. Can't say "that's it" for definite. No. I'm just thinking, that if it's going on for so long now, and for one person only... then I'm not gonna just reject the option. Can I? I know i'm 17, yeah. But does age make a difference in this case? Wouldn't think so. Anyway. Indeed, the guy does like me. He does think I'm funny, smart and pretty, whatever guys are looking for these days. He's also taken and doesn't want me. Yep. Reality.

Not that he doesn't "want me" as such. He does, oh naturally he does. Cheated on his girlfriend with me 3 times. Yes, I do feel bad. If you do try to think about it my way though, I have never seen the girl, I'm not even sure if she exists, and that's what it feels like to me! As if she didn't. But yeah, speaking of the guy. He does want me. He just doesn't love me. And that hurts like hell.

People say "wait for him to realise that he does". "One day he will". "He's not worth it".
Ha. I know he's not worth it. Pardon me, but I do not want to have a boyfriend, who cheats on his girlfriends! I do not want a boyfriend who's a manslut. I, myself DO NOT. But my heart does.

I heard "love is a chemical process that lasts for about 6 months". Well, well, well. Those chemicals must be just a teeny tiny bit stronger in me. Just a tiny bit. Chemicals? Hahah. As if everything in life could be explained so easily, right?

I'm hesitating. Publish this journal entry... or not? Will there be judgement? Will people care? Will people read? Will they give me an advice?

I don't think so. In fact, I'm only doing it because I don't fear to say what I feel. Because it's better, when it's written on the screen, right in front of me. When I can look at it and say "here is what I feel and even if thousands of millions of people would ever read it - they're still my OWN and personal and that's all that matters".

Why on dA? Because. Because I like this place. Because people over here are all so different. Passionate about so many things. If I shall find a place full of understanding, that one, full of passionate strangers, might just be the right one.